The Chrisco Deluxx Room

Tayluh drove the Barina on autopilot,  every morning for two years now she had left home, driven down the same long road, turned onto the western freeway, exited after 20 minutes and then slowly made her way through the traffic before arriving at work 95 minutes later.  On any other day she would sing along to Delta, P!nk, Kings of Leon, or Xtina, but today she was oblivious to the music, today, she was deep in thought.  It was the day she had long been waiting for, finally it was her turn to move up the corporate ladder. The girls on the floor were pissed at her, but Brion’hee had broken the rules and if Tayluh hadn’t said nothing she knew for a fact that one of the others would of. Probably Rinaay-Leah. Snooze ya lose biatches. She smiled.

After nearly two years since getting her Junior Certificate and making the most of every opportunity that had presented itself at Chrisco, Tayluh was finally starting in a new position.  Anthony Robbins was always on the money.  Starting today, Tayluh was officially a Trainee Celebrity Client Liaison / Director of First Impressions. No more poor, povvo, fatty bogans complaining about their hampers and whinging about the dole office not paying them. Now she would be working in the Chrisco Deluxx Room.

Every girl at the Chrisco Customer Care call centre dreamt of working in the Chrisco Deluxx Room.  The CDR took the calls for the unadvertised, celebrity only Chrisco Hamper Deluxx services.  Only big celebrities knew the phone number, and they could order hampers with anything they wanted.  The service was like totally confidential and Tayluh had heard rumours about the amahzing shit that had gone on in previous years.

Only four girls and Jas’pah worked in the room. They had their own bathroom and kitchenette with a microwave AND a George Foreman grill.  Competition for jobs in the CDR was fierce.  Only the hottest girls had a chance. Located only two floors above the regular Chrisco Call Centre, and one floor below Head Office, it was where dreams could come true.

Jas’pah met her at the elevators in the lobby, hugged her tightly into his ample bosom and shrieked “Girrrrrrl, finally you made it!  Come on up to the CDR, I’ll give you the graaaan tour””  With a flourish he placed her new lanyard and security pass around her neck and mashed his chubby little paws into the elevator buttons.  Stepping into the lift, Jas’pah looked around, checked that they were alone and started talking in whispered tones. “Tayluh, noooobody, and I mean nooobody knows I’m gay.  If we hadn’t both gone to school together, you wouldn’t know I’m gay. They’ll have me outta here if they find out, and I aint going back to the 1800 call centre downstairs, its our secret, got it girrl?”.  “Sure thing honey, I’d never have guessed” Tayluh replied, carefully putting this juicy bit of gossip into her dirt file.

After orientation with Jas’pah, Tayluh was taken to a cubicle occupied by one of the most glamorous girls she had ever seen. Her beautifully tanned fingers were tapping out a near perfect rendition of “Lets Get the Party Started”, her immaculate french polished nails clicking away on the desk as she spoke. Her tan and make up was flawless and Tayluh couldn’t be certain what colour she was. “I hope she’s not a Curry ” was the first thought that crossed Tayluh’s mind.  She smelt normal at least. Sh’riah spoke confidently, in perfect Australian, into her headpiece.

”Of course Mrs Williams, I do know who you are, there’s no need for that language……”

“I am certain we can accommodate your needs re cancelling your Platinum Hamper delivery to Barwon Correctional Centre, however, there is still the issue of the late cancellation fee of 60% which does come to a total of $3,500………”

“Mrs Williams, there is no need  to contact ACA or Today Tonight……. “

“Mrs Williams I am only trying to help you…. “

“Perhaps if you would care to redirect your Platinum Hamper order to a living relative, we can waiver the cancellation fee of 60% and charge the re-direction fee of 30% instead.  And if you wait one moment…..”

“Yes, that equals an additional payment of only $40 per week to your existing fortnightly payments……..”

“Mrs Williams, there are no need to make threats, on this one occasion, and only once in the lifetime of our business arrangements, I am allowed to make a good-will 50% discount on our re-direction fee,  reducing your increase to only $20 per fortnight, I’m sure this will assist you in your current unforseen circumstances”

“I am glad we have been able to assist you today Mrs Williams, I’ll post out your new contract, and once you have returned it signed, we’ll begin the re-direction process.  Is there anything else I can do for you today Mrs Williams.  Ok then, thank you for calling Chrisco Deluxx”

Sh’riah, noticing her audience, whipped her bali braided hair extensions around and said “Well her shit doesn’t stink.  Sometimes I think we should change this number and start again.  I mean, the filthy fucking mouth on that bitch!  I don’t get paid enough for that!”

Jas’pah introduced the girls, explaining to Tayluh that as part of her induction she would be buddied with Sh’riah for the day.  The phone buzzed again.  “Watch and learn Tayluh, rule numero oono, let them think they can have whatever they want, because they can, for a fee”.  She pressed the button on her headset and started.

“ Thank you for calling Chrisco Hampers Deluxx. You are speaking to Sh’riah. May I begin by asking your name and customer password?”

“Thank you Mrs Hewitt-Cartwright, it’s a delight to speak to you again, how can I assist you today”

Sh’riah rolled her eyes sarcastically and poked her tongue against her cheek….

“Of course Mrs Hewitt-Cartwright, we can personalise the children’s gifts with engravings, if you could spell out their names slowly for me…..”

“Mrs Hewitt-Cartwright, I understand you have put a lot of time and effort into setting up your Text A Star service account, and I’m very sorry that nobody is using it, however it would be much quicker and simpler if you were to spell the names out to me now over the telephone.  I’m unable to use my mobile phone at  work and I am not permitted to send or receive SMS messages during business hours.”

“Certainly Mrs Hewitt-Cartwright, I’ll transfer your call to my superior directly”

“Jas’pah, Mrs Hewitt-Cartwright is back again, she still wants us to text her Text A Star account to get basic information.  I tried to tell her we still couldn’t.  Can you talk to her? Line 2”

Numero two-o, if they aren’t happy they will complain. And if they complain, go to rule  numero trio, Jas’pah will sack you for sure if they complain.

“Oh My GOD!!” Tayluh could not believe the morning she was having.  “This is so much better than the regular Chrisco Customer Care Centre, I mean,  like I spent two years down there and never spoke to anyone famous at all.  Can I take the next call?? Pleeeeease”  The phone buzzed.  Sh’riah nodded and winked at Tayluh. “It’s all yours honey, if you get stuck, put them on hold and I’ll take over”

Reading the script carefully, Tayluh spoke.

“Thank you for calling Chrisco Hampers Deluxx. You are speaking to Tayluh.  May I begin by asking your name and customer password?”

Who would it be she wondered?? She looked at Sh’riah with a puzzled, disappointed expression.  Who was this????

“Just one moment please, uhhm, Ms Rowena Wallace, I am putting your password into our system but I can’t seem to find your account.  Please hold the line while I get my supervisor”

Sh’riah seemed to know exactly what was happening.” Every bloody year….” She muttered as she picked up the line.

“Hello Ms Wallace, my name is Sh’riah, I recall speaking to you in relation to this matter last year, and the year before….”

“I understand Ms Wallace, but having appeared on a Celebrity Diet Challenge does not make one automatically eligible for our Chrisco Hamper Deluxx Services”

“I do appreciate your circumstances Ms Wallace, and yes I did see you on A Current Affair and I do believe you when you say that you weren’t really homeless or destitute. … I’m sure they paid you very well…”

“Ms Wallace, I really do think that our regular 1800 Chrisco service call centre may be able to accommodate your needs, in lets say, a more affordable fashion.  We have many customers on a  disability pension that use the standard service. Can I patch you through now?”

“Ms Wallace, your schemes and plans for appearing on ACA and Today Tonight next year bear no relevance to our strict risk management software system that checks and approves all potential customers of the Chrisco Hamper Deluxx service. ….”

“Thank you for understanding Ms Wallace.   Ms Wallace there is no need for tears.  Our regular Customer Service Centre will ensure that you will still have a bountiful Christmas this year.  I hear they have a new low calorie, gluten free, coeliac friendly hamper this season….”

“Ms Wallace, I really am not privy to our marketing department’s decisions or endorsement requirements.  Perhaps if you still have a Manager, they will make these enquiries to the right parties on your behalf.  I’m sorry that Max Markson won’t return your calls….Ms Wallace, I am very busy and have calls banking, I’ll patch you through to our regular Customer Care Centre now.  Thank you for calling”

“Who was that?” Tayluh asked.  “Some crazy old bint that calls every year, reckons she was on some show way back in the 80’s, I just humour her a bit and then get rid of her” Sh’riah replied. “God I wasn’t even born then” was all Tayluh could say before the phone buzzed again.

Tayluh, determined not be beaten, put out her wish to the universe and picked up the phone line.

“Thank you for calling Chrisco Hampers Deluxx.  May I begin by asking your name and customer password?”

It couldn’t be! It was! The universe had heard her again!  Tayluh touched the power balance band on her wrist and got on with the call.  “Stay professional, stay calm” she told herself.  “This job rocks.  No more crusty bogans, just me and the celebrities”

“ Thank you for calling Miss Goodrem, My name is Tayluh, how can I assist you today?”

“Certainly Miss Goodrem, I can take your order and process your payment plan today.  Are you near a computer now?  Great, log into our Chrisco Hampers Deluxx website and enter your customer number and password.  Ok, perhaps there is someone there who can help you.  Brian! Ohhh myyyy God!  Oh I mean good”

Tayluh took a deep breath.  “Stick to the script kid” she said under breath.

“Ok, so you have logged in? Great! Now enter the following numbers in the security code area.  80083.  Ok, more slowly, 8 0 0 8 3. Again, ok 8 0 0 8 3.  Excellent, now if you just tick the box that says you have read our terms and conditions, we can start placing your order.  No there is no need to read them, they go on for pages.  It will be quicker if you just tick the box.  Wonderful….”

Tayluh continued reading from the script on her monitor.

“Right, now you have in front of you a list of our premium hampers and gift packs, at Chrisco Hampers Deluxx we are able to tailor these to meet all of your celebrity wishes and desires.  These hampers are exclusive and available only to registered celebrity customers.  We can order in almost any product to add to an existing hamper, or you can create one that suits your special Christmas needs”

“Alright Ms Goodrem, we’ll start creating your personalised gift baskets for immediate family and close friends, please tell me what products you would like included”

Tayluh began writing the list of products on her notepad, Sh’riah looked on in surprise.

“ Okay Ms Goodrem, I am going to read back the list to confirm your order.  One Nintendo Wii , one Nintendo dsi, one litre of So Good Soy Milk, one large bottle of Sunsilk Shampoo, one large bottle of Sunsilk Conditioner”

“Certainly Ms Goodrem, we can include a  one month supply of Proactiv Acne Treatment”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to include any other products from our wide and exclusive celebrity range?  We have some very beautiful Christmas treats and exclusive offers available”

“Of course I understand your situation, your commercial contracts must be very strict”

Sensing the call was coming to an end , Tayluh decided that if she only had one opportunity, she would have to make the most of it. She didn’t waste an entire long weekend at the Anthony Robbins seminar.  She could be friends with Delta, they were actually very much alike.  She owed it to herself to try.  After briefly pausing to send her demands out to the universe, Tayluh spoke.

“Can I say Delta, can I call you Delta?, that I have been a huge fan of you for many years, like since I was in primary school.  Since you left Neighbours, Ramsay Street hasn’t been the same and when I heard you had the cancer I was like gutted.  When my best friend Tipha-knee told me that she’s had more dangerous freckles, I stopped talking to her and haven’t said a word to her since.  I don’t think you sold out at all, like you have the voice of angel and you are so pretty, even at your age.  And you’re so lucky to have a hottie like Brian as your man.  He is like gorgeous…. My friend Karlee said she’d do him for a cosmopolitan!  We are so much alike Delta, my mum even reckons we look similar, and if I got my hair and teeth re-bleached you could be my older sister”

Sh’riah had a look of horror on her recently botoxed face, but Tayluh didn’t notice. Sensing a strange silence at the other end, Tayluh continued.

“Are you there Delta?  Hello Deltaaaa??”

“Of course I can put you through to my supervisor Delta, there is no need to shout. God, there’s no need to crack the shits Princess.  I’m sorry if I said something”

Tayluh called Jas’pah’s office. “ Jas’pah, Delta Goodrem is going psycho on the phone.  I don’t know why, it’s like she was real nice and then got totally up herself and cracked it, she wants to talk to you.  Tell her to have a cup of cement and harden the fuck up! Christ Jas’pah, you gotta chill, Sister. Yeah line 4”

“What the fuck did you say all that for?” Sh’riah loudly whisperd.  “My god, Jas’pah is so going to sack you for that, you are screwed girl”

“I don’t think I’ll have any problems with Jas’pah” Tayluh replied.  “The universe is on my side.  I know The Secret”