Semen Detective Shirley Mullet in the Mysterious and Brief Case of Dry Crackers

It was a dark and stormy night as Semen Detective Shirley Mullet gazed out of the window, her reflection flickered as the bare globe behind her swung hypnotically back and forth.  She still looked pretty darn good despite the humidity, but enough distractions. She returned to pondering her latest case.  Goddammit, how was that old dyke connected to Brendah? And why was Brendah carrying a briefcase with so many packets of dry crackers?

Shirley Mullet S.D knew all about tough love.  After 15 years spent on the beat with her black light, she had seen all too often what happened when teens went wild.  She had knocked on too many doors at two in the morning to tell mothers news that no white woman wanted to hear.  She had seen the anguish, despair and tears in many a father’s eye as she reluctantly showed him the shimmering black light polaroids.  “Not this time” she muttered as she tightened the ropes around Brendah’s slim yet muscular wrist.  A wrist that had already seen action.  Shirley Mullet never missed the signs.  She made her way back over to the girl, leaned in close and smiled.

The sound of the slap rang in the air as the back of Shirley’s hand connected with the pretty face of the terrified teen.  “Listen up Brendah, it’s not you that I want. Your parents clearly don’t give a damn who you milk, it’s information I need!” She removed the ball gag from Brendah’s mouth, took out her black light torch and Polaroid camera and began taking photos of the millions of tiny sperm wriggling across the ball in the violet glow. “With this mouth sample, I’ve got enough on you now to make you a little more cooperative, now give it up sister, what are all of the dry crackers for?? What’s that old butch dyke Raylean got on you? What’s her racket?”

Brendah sobbed uncontrollably, “I can’t tell you, I can’t, they’ll break my wrists if I give up the scam, I need my wrists to earn. P!nk’s coming back for 180 final shows only, tickets aren’t cheap” she howled.   Shirley Mullet knew then that this dame would never break, “Damn you to hell P!nk” she spat out. In an attempt to salvage something from this mess, Shirley picked up the polaroids and tried one last line. “Ok sweet cheeks, I get it, that old butch has something bigger hanging over your head. Now how about you just trust good old Shirley Mullet S.D over here and give me a taste of the low down.  Raylean’ll never know.  Just drop us a hint honey and these pictures will never see the light of day”

Brendah’s anguish was clear, she knew she had to say something, but what? “O, o o, ok she stuttered, go to the pier at 11 tonight, there’s a shanty hut at the end of the jetty. The crackers have to be delivered there by 10, before they all arrive.  I can’t tell you anything else, please let me go, Raylean will know that I’ve squealed if I’m late. Shirley sensing that she wouldn’t get anything else from the tramp untied her bonds and told her to scram. ”Alright, beat it sister, and tell your friends that Semen Detective Shirley Mullet can and will do random searches, night and day.  The black light does not lie, it will show the truth in all of its salty, sticky glory”.

As Brendah fled sobbing, Shirley Mullet went to the closet and removed her trench coat, trilby hat and utility belt.  She dressed herself, took a look in the floor length mirror and resisted the urge to finger gun her reflection.  A quick check of her utility belt showed she was packed; she had her black light torch, throat, anal and vaginal swabs, pipettes, gloves and Vaseline. “Lets go” she said to no-one in particular as she hung the Polaroid camera around her neck, turned and left the station.

The drive over to the pier was uneventful, most of the teens on the esplanade were still at Boost, it would still be a few hours before they got horny.  Shirley made a mental note to come back and do some random semen checks later. Even on a school night, these kids could find trouble.  But not on her watch. Heavy rain lashed the windscreen as Shirley parked the car by the jetty, it was 10.15pm, Brendah would have dropped off the crackers and left by now. Shirley decided to investigate the hut before the mystery cracker recipients arrived.

Stepping out of the car, she glanced around to check the lay of the land.  A light shone at the end of the jetty and Shirley could see the outline of the shanty hut through the pouring rain and howling gale.  The sea was angry that night and the waves were coming over the side of the rickety old wooden structure.  Shirley pulled her hat down to cover her face as she pushed through the wind.  Feeling better, and vowing to not eat foodcourt Chinese ever again, she  started making her way over to the jetty.

Shirley approached the shanty with caution, she thought she could hear music, but the noise of the storm made it too difficult to be certain.  The old barrels by the window provided a perfect vantage point to see what was happening undetected.  With her trilby hat just visible in the window frame, Shirley peered in and gasped when she saw what was happening inside.  The old butch Raylean was threatening two pretty young femmes with a blade. “You’ll dance when I tell ya” she snarled, “And if it aint sexy you’ll never munch a rug in this town again. I’ll see that the sisterhood forgets your pretty faces quick smart.  Now the boys are arriving soon, so quit ya blubbering and get changed into your outfits”.  The young femme dykes changed into playboy bunny outfits and started to practice.  As Ke$ha’s “singing” continued, they rehearsed their cheap gyrations and finger sliding routines.

They stopped dancing when the door of the shanty suddenly opened.  Raylean tucked the blade into her ample bosom. All smiles now, she announced to the 12 young men who entered the room “Welcome back Circle Jerk Boys, it’s a pleasure to see you all here again.  Tonight you’ll be entertained by these two pretty young dames, McKhaler and her best friend Sind’ee.  Now boys, don’t be shy and just remember, no tipping and no touching of the ladies.  As usual, we have provided the dry crackers and tissues, when the show is over, or if you get excited a little early, just place the crackers and tissues into this briefcase.  Enjoy yourselves gentlemen”

My god, Shirley gasped, The Circle Jerk Boys!, when did they get back in town? Why was Raylene making these young gals dance?  Why the dry crackers??? Shirley couldn’t bear to look any more, she sat down and closed her eyes as the hideous cacophony of Ke$ha and masculine moaning  competed with the storm to fill the sultry, humid air.  Exactly two minutes and fifteen seconds later the moaning stopped, Shirley bravely peeked through the window.  The Circle Jerk Boys were sitting in a circle smoking cigarettes as the young dykes put rubber gloves on and began morosely collecting the once dry crackers.  What was that on them?  Then it dawned on her. Soggy Saos!!!

Shirley, in all of her years as a Semen Detective had always thought Soggy Saos was an urban myth, but the evidence was right there in front of her.  She would have to wait until the deviants left and then go in to get some samples.  Questions kept nagging her mind as she waited for the Circle Jerk Boys to leave.  Why was Raylean involved?  What would become of the soggy crackers?  Why weren’t the Circle Jerk Boys paying? Was it wrong to feel a little excited?

The mop glowed like a mirror ball under Shirley’s ultra violet black light. Someone had attempted a clean up, probably Raylean.  In her fifteen years on the force she had never seen anything like it.  Well, not since she was a rookie cleaning up after the infamous Versace Palazzo Incident involving Sting and Bono.  Shirley fell to the floor, her arms gripped around her legs. The images flashed rapidly through her mind, the screams of experienced senior Semen Detectives rang in her ears and the bitter smell of vomiting hotel staff was so real that Shirley could taste it in her throat.  She had to slap herself to come back into the present.   She inhaled, shuddered and silently wished that her ex-partner Simon hadn’t snapped after the VPI. He should be here by her side. “Damn you Sting, damn you Bono!” she muttered.

Alone, in the dark, Shirley continued sweeping the room with her black light.  It was like the planetarium in here, she would have to gather a few samples and call in to the station for back up and a scrub squad to finish this job.  It was too big, too sticky and too ugly for Shirley to take on alone. She radioed in the job, took a few polaroids and decided that it was time see if the trail would lead her to Raylean and hopefully some answers.  Following the tiny glowing, wriggling spots under the black torch light back into town was easy and in no time at all she found herself outside the town’s only hardware store, The Busy Beaver’s Hut.

Sneaking around the rear entrance of the Busy Beaver undetected was no easy task, but Shirley’s former life as a Marine had once again proved useful. She peeked through the keyhole of the back door and gasped! It looked like some sort of dyke summit was happening.  Butches and femmes were milling about, discussing disability access issues, DIY projects and the latest antics of Ruby Rose.  The mystery had certainly deepened and Shirley for the first time was concerned for her safety.  She was too pretty to get caught and Shirley wasn’t sure if she could be anyone’s bitch?  Raylean called the room to order and the tattooed womyn and their pretty femmes all took seats.

“Ladies, welcome and thank you for coming, as you all know, I have been fortunate enough to source another batch of premium grade semen.  Freshly harvested, I can offer you all my personal guarantee that it has been tested thoroughly for an array of sexual infections and screened for genetic disorders.  Ladies, no expense has been spared in the collection and testing of this exclusive product.  It is Angus quality semen and I am certain it will make your home insemination efforts safe and successful.  Because this semen has been collected from interstate, we can remain assured that all of the children in our lesbian community won’t be genetically related.  I will soon be ready to display the product after one more final quality control audit.  We will begin the auction shortly. Meanwhile enjoy a drink, have some nibbles and why not consider pooling your funds and sharing the spoils”

Shirley’s blood was boiling, how could Raylean do this! That semen was not quality tested, it was from The Circle Jerk Boys, a bunch of teen delinquent perverts fresh out of juvey.  Shirley Mullet, was outraged.  Incensed she decided to take action.  She slipped off her trench coat and hat, went back to the car and rubbed some grease onto her clothes and face.  Feeling confident that she would now blend in, Shirley entered the room and looked about for Raylean.  In the far corner, a light shone from a door that was slightly ajar.

Shirley Mullet boldly walked over and looked through the small gap.  To her horror, she discovered Raylean and the poor young, captive, dancing dykes scraping semen off the dry crackers and into small vials.  “Hurry up” Raylean snarled, ”These womyn will walk if the auction doesn’t start soon, now move it sugar” She prodded the youngest girl with a sticky spatula.

Shirley hurried back to the car and radioed HQ for back up.  “Call in the fashion detectives too P’bee, tell them I saw Crocs and socks and birkenstocks” she whispered into the radio, not wanting to alarm any locals.  She didn’t want to go back in alone, but she had no choice. Simon, still paralysed with fear after the VPI was now just a desk jockey.  Shirley Mullet paused and thought of his children and then bravely went back in to take control of the situation.

Raylean took a dozen vials from the table “Don’t stop Sweet Knickers, I’ll move these and be back for more”.  Leaving McKhaler and Sind’ee with the gruesome task of semen/cracker extraction, she made her way to the podium in the centre of the room.

“Thank you so much for your patience Ladies, I am now at liberty to begin this evenings auction.  Our first specimen comes from a gent called Jayson, Jayson is a highly successful businessman who has made a great deal of money from his own Investment Portfolio Consultancy. He is 6 feet and 2 Inches tall, has blonde hair, blue eyes and has no history of genetic illness or criminal record.  He has proven himself viable and is aware of having fathered at least nine children previously.  Jayson has offered his sample because he wants to make a lesbian couple’s dreams come true.  Jayson personally guarantees that he will not seek custody or access to any of the children that may be produced.  Lets have a round of applause for Jayson, who unfortunately couldn’t be here tonight,  before we start the bidding”

Shirley was stunned, never before had she seen such reckless disregard for semen.  Her purpose in life was to ensure that women wouldn’t get in trouble from random semen collected on the mean streets. She couldn’t let this continue. Not on her shift.  Shirley stepped forward. ”Stop right there Butch” Holding out her shield she continued “Semen Detective Shirley Mullet, this is a raid and you are under arrest. Ladies, this semen was collected without informed consent from a known gang of local perverts called The Circle Jerk Boys, who were only recently released from juvey. Look closely, you will see cracker crumbs still in the sample. Raylean, you are under arrest” Just at this moment her backup finally arrived. Sirens screamed through the stormy night, red and blue lights flashed through the small windows of the Busy Beaver’s back room.

Shirley Mullet handcuffed Raylean and then taking pity on the poorly dressed, barren lesbians, she called out “Alright girls, let this be a lesson, only source your semen from a reliable outlet, now get out of here before I take you all in for aiding and abetting”

The women in the room looked alarmed and fled to their motorbikes.  Raylean looked pissed and struggled with her handcuffs. “Take her away boys” Shirley told the back up Officers.  Raylean hollered and spat as she was being carried away. “Next time Shirley Mullet, next time I’ll faarkin glass ya, ya farkin caaaaaarnt”. Shirley had no doubt that she would.  She also knew it would be a long time before Raylean would be free to peddle her hot, dirty semen on Shirley’s beat again. Womens Prison, that’s where she belongs, Shirley was sure.

Later, back at her desk, Shirley finished typing her report, drained the rest of her whisky and told the Chief she was packing up to head home. “You aren’t going anywhere Semen Detective Shirley Mullet” the Chief said in a serious tone.  He held out the phone in his hand and smiled, “It’s the Mayor, he wants to personally thank you…….” Shirley gasped.

The End

Teens, if you enjoyed this Shirley Mullet: Semen Detective Mystery, ask you local newsagent for these other exciting titles.

Semen Detective Shirley Mullet and The Lonely Stranger’s Handiwork

Semen Detective Shirley Mullet and The Mystery of the Weeping Baby Jesus

Semen Detective Shirley Mullet and Case of the Cheeky Sailor’s Discharge

Hey Kids, don’t forget our Junior Shirley Mullet: Semen Detective Series.

Jnr Shirley Mullet S.D Discovers Daddy’s Secret Tasty Sticky Buns

Jnr Shirley Mullet: S.D in Invisible Ink Hijinx

Jnr Shirley Mullet: S.D in the Mystery of Mummy’s New Pearl Necklace